Chapter 28: Boundaries in All Things

Rory Miller, a true professional in the violence discipline, wrote a great piece on boundaries and in that he wrote:

•    You are dealing with someone from another culture or subculture that learned a different set of rules.

•    You are dealing with someone with a different mental state or capacity who has trouble remembering, seeing, or following the rules.

•    You are dealing with someone who is on a different script than you are.

•    You are dealing with a predator who is intentionally abusing societal norms.

•    Dealing with different cultures and subcultures, it is usually best to be explicit, and it is OK to explain why. When people find themselves in, or travel to, a place where the rules are different, most are excited to learn the rules. That's part of the fun. It is also critical safety information.

All of this deals with social human interactions where communications sits at the top of all those traits in remaining socially connected but when we fail in this, in most things, that is when aggression and violence get laid out on the table of life. You then have to ask the question, "What do I do now?" 

I am not going to repeat this because Mr. Miller did so already with great flair and understanding that goes way beyond mine but this is why I am putting this into my effort. It is about making sure that once you decide to take up defense-protection, especially through martial arts and karate, you really need to known more about setting boundaries. 

There are two kinds in my book, personal and social. Personally you have to know, understand and set appropriate boundaries for yourself such as, “what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.” This is critical in defense-protection because there are few disciplines where failure to set your personal boundaries and to give yourself permission to enforce them involved grave harm or death. 

In our modern society where we are moving oh-so-fast into a world market and world social construct, especially with the Internet as well as travel that puts multi-cultural beliefs/people in close proximity, we need to further our understanding of the diverse cultures, sub-cultures and rules of each distinct and important person, group and social entity. Take a look at the bulleted items I quote form Mr. Miller’s article, “Setting Your Own Boundaries.” Each one of the bulleted items hints at the learning and understanding you have to do in order to socially exist successfully, especially when it comes down to the conflicts misunderstand perceptions lay on us when we don’t take the time, effort and learning to such concepts, traits, and such. 

Like learning about multiple cultures and subcultures; learning about the diversity of human mental states and capacities; the vast rules each category will have and their connection to all of this; recognizing just how different we are from one another and how that may clash in social situations; what a predator is and what social monkeys are and how they work; how we will communicate effectively in the chaos of all this speaks to how we may need to address this in defense-protection. It may be ok in one group and not ok in another with very bad results when someone makes a misstep. 

There are a variety of references that will provide teaching materials found in the bibliography such as verbal self-defense as well as information from the likes of Mr. MacYoung and Mr. Miller - to name my two favorites.

Learning to actively listen and to communicate in a way that conveys your true meaning regardless of cultures, etc. As an example I quote again from Mr. Miller’s article: 

•    be explicit.

•    use simple words and syntax.

•    keep the rate, tone, pitch, and volume (RTPV) of your voice low.

•    use positive (do) speech. For example, say, "Talk quietly" instead of "Don't be loud." Tell them what to do instead of what not to do.

•    work from the common ground. If dealing with someone delusional, neither challenge ("You're not really seeing that! Get real!") nor accept ("Hey, I see the blue men too.") the delusion. Concentrate on what you both can see.

•    Certain mental illnesses will have boundary issues, not because of an inability to understand the social rules, but because of an inability to maintain self-control. Boundary setting in this situation must be clear and explicit. And probably loud: "Back off!" or "Get out of here!"

Again, read his article that can be found with a Google search, it is an online article, as Mr. Miller explains it so well and I don’t want to simply talk about work already available if I don’t have too.